Kimberlei

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 23:56:13 GMT

As the days grow shorter and
the nights longer and colder
I cannot help feeling like
the leaves I am scatered and
alone I am being blown into
the crevices in the sidewalk
by your icey chill I am stuck
there waiting for you to come
dig me out I am hoping that
you are the wind that will
lift me up once more

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 00:36:11 GMT

I feel an awkward calm right now. I am nervous about what is happening tomorrow but I am ready. I needed to let out all of my tears of fear and frustration about everything and I did, you saw it. Now I feel like this is just something I have to deal with and I cannot be weak towards it. For anyone who reads this, which is probably no one and doesnt really know what I'm talking about here it is - I have a common disease named Hashimotos Disease. My immune system is attacking my thyroid and I have a small lump on my left thyroid. Tomorrow I will have needle injected into my neck to remove fluid from the lump to see if it is canceres. It's really hard for me even to say that since it completely freaks me out to think about it but maybe that shows that I am ready for this. (As ready as I could be.) I am proud of myself and you might think thats cheesey but thats just fine with me. I know how big this is for me.

The past two weeks have really been just a roller coster for me. I have a job. I still need another. I know how happy we are and what we can deal with together, as a team. I know I havent been anything great in anyones eyes, especialy my parents and yours, and I am sorry if I have been too much of a free loader. I am going on vacation. School is free. I wish my Dad could talk to me.

Now completely different - livejournal has this thing now called "writers block" maybe its dumb but it will probably keep me writing as I will have something to think about.
If I received $100 this afternoon I would give fifty towards Awstins XM and half towards vacation.

Ohh life, youre one hell of a ride.

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 06:07:01 GMT

So no tour but fucking great vacation coming up!

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 00:47:57 GMT

Day vacation on Sunday :]

15 Days till tour. I cannot wait to get away for a little. I feel so much pressure right now that just leaving for that week will be amazing. It's weird though. I have literaly no money and I'm taking this trip but I need to. I need to get the hell out of here for a while. I hope it pans out nicely. It will be exhausting but I will smile when I think about for years.

On a different note,

Hashimoto's Disease:

Hashimoto's disease is a problem with your thyroid gland located in your neck. The thyroid gland makes hormones that control how your body uses energy. When you have Hashimoto's disease, your immune system begins to attack your thyroid gland, causing it to become swollen and irritated. When this happens, your thyroid can't make hormones as it should.

These are some of the symptoms someone with the disease may have:

Because the thyroid gland may swell when you have Hashimoto's disease, you may have a feeling of fullness or tightness in your throat.
You may have trouble swallowing food or liquids.
You might notice a swelling or bump (called a goiter) in the front of your neck.
You may experience tiredness, forgetfulness, depression, coarse dry skin, slow heartbeat, weight gain, constipation and intolerance to cold.

Hashimoto's disease has no cure.

I am sick of this.

Sun, 27 May 2007 22:18:18 GMT

Sadness in an emotion that is shaped from memories. It is shaped from memories that once made you happy but they are no longer there.

I have so much to be happy for in my life right now. I also have some things that just hurt too much. I miss my dad so much. There really arnt words to describe how much I miss him. Sometimes, most times, it is easier to deal with and accept but, days like today just make it harder. My mom fights with me over everything and when I ask to talk to her about it she wont. She puts up this unbreakable wall between us. I feel like I try so hard to just make her happy but its never enough. Its days like today when I cant get through to her at all that I wish I had my dad to go to, to talk to. I dont. It is more frustrating then explainable.

I want times we once had and I want a dad who I'll never have again. I want things that once made me so happy but now only make me tired.

I am completely grateful for what I have and the people in my life. I have so much to look foward to, so much to be happy about. And please dont get me wrong, I am. I just feel like no one can ever have everything in there life be easy. Everyone has something to be upset about underneath. I accept that but I just needed to write about it.

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 00:38:27 GMT

Today I realized that time is recycled. It is not passed on or thrown out, just resused, recycled.

When we are kids we are seen as weak, recless individuals. We throw tantrums over the smallest things and we are hurt when we are rejected. As we grow we are expected to grow out of said emotions, not be childish, but those same feelings are brought out through differnt senarious. We are weak at times that we should be strong, we sing and scream and run and dance, we cry over little things but esspecaily when we are rejected do we cry.

I am 17 and I cry a lot. I am told by some its just fine, others say I need to grow up, but it is the ones who say it is okay to cry that really know the truth in feelings and emotions. It is those people who realize time is recycled.

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 18:07:57 GMT

Millimeters away: distance holds a flame in the palm of it hand, continuously guiding us through the dark hallways. Each road eventually leads to a dead end. Sparrows fly along side the arrows - hands so carefully placed apon chests - bodies learn how to dodge shots aimed directly towards the fragile bruises left on our hearts. I walk bare footed down interstate highways, waving final goodbyes to each empty vehicle passing me by.

Foreign objects have ways of becoming familier after spending an evening of dancing in precise coordination to the sound of energy, letters no longer make sense - symbols egin to symbolize a hidden truth. The sun melts the sky as it sets, the earth begins to sparkle. Night after night I send whispers to your ears hoping you will hear them. Its time to close my eyes and open my mind to all those pleasent possibilites.

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 02:24:56 GMT

Press your lips to the sky.
(You never know when it may fall)
When it does,this is your piece:
put it together again for me?

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 01:45:53 GMT

My views as of now:

Last night I talked to a girl who see's, feels, and breaths beauty. I respect her immensly for her strength and courage, also her ability to understand. While we spoke in the kitchen last night I realized how I've finally found a friend who really does take in everything you say to her and trys to find words to understand or make it better. I saw someone just like me. The subject of our conversation remains between us but thats all thats needed. If I could say something to anyone about what was said it would be this: You did not lose her you only lost what could have been.

That converstation leads me to how I am feeling now and the way I am deciding to handle it. I feel an uncontrolable urge to cry and an overwhelming amount of sadness. I miss my mother who is only about fifty feet away and I cannot find any new words other than the ones I have already used to try and make her understand. I miss my father who unlike my mother I cannot even speak words to him because he has become the ground I walk on, the air I breath, and the clouds I see. I miss my sister who Ive still kept her secrets. I miss my grandma who is uncontrolably going where my father is. I am almost pressured because I have no money and no matter how much I hate money, it is needed. I am dissapointed that I settled for this job when I have always said I wouldnt. Last but not least, I am worried about you because of a stupid feeling in the pit of my stomach.

How I am handling said feelings:
I am not crying.
I am looking past my sadness at all that I do have and love.
I am ignoring the comments you make towards me and keep telling you I love you.
I am telling you I miss you and love you and will see you soon, hoping you can hear me.
I am letting you know I'll always keep them.
I am calling you more.
I am saying it will be okay.
I am looking for more.
I am telling myself it will be okay.

I want to be in your bed listening to this rain tonight.

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 17:27:44 GMT

REMINDER:

X is for kisses
&
O is for hugs.

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 00:58:21 GMT

"Those are the things I'll never do."
She thinks to herself as her mouth spews out all
of her dreams and asperations...

She writes as she sits
on that highly uncomfortably
colored couch. Listening,
"This is.."

She
sings
in
her
head
and
watches
out
of
the
corner
of
her
eye...

Him move.

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 17:18:44 GMT

I don't want to hide who I am. My past has brought me here to this current point in my life. I don't want comfort, attention, praise, discomfort, rumors, guilt, or shame.

I want to feel the warmth of love from those who still somehow have managed to love me. I feel as though I have been through enough so far in life to distinguish the good from the bad, the positive from the negative, the strong from the weak, the generous from the heartless, the lies from the truth, the judgemental from the open-minded.

With all this said, I feel a sense of comfort within a home that I have built inside of me, to be content with one's self is all that is needed to live, to love, and to be loved.

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 15:44:36 GMT

Collecting sounds in my mind that I've overheard through the week - only finding my mind repeating them in different orders.

I drew a map, it has an exact destination. I'm getting lost in bed-sheets for the entire weekend.

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 21:29:54 GMT

Maybe things are looking up. Or maybe Im just learning how to ignore better. Ignoring things is so hard for me because I hate people that ignore. Thats just to me, someone throwing someone or something else aside and I hate that! I think Im just needing a routine again. I try so hard to not let my emotions get in the way of my days but thats also really difficult for me. I realize that im growing up faster now and in a few monthes my mom will be gone. I have this one side of me that cannot wait to be on my own and be able to really prove myself to people. Then theres the "Im going to miss my mom no matter how terribly hard it is for us to even be in the same room together" side. I miss my dad so much too and I've been trying so hard to not think about him but then I feel almost bad about not thinking about him. It super confusing. And maybe none of this makes sense but its really how I feel. And Awstin, since I was in the hospital and we had our converstation, Ive felt like Ive been "walking on egg shells" like Ive told you. Then last night you grabbed me and told me you really loved me so much and I felt it and I couldnt be happier. You know how important you are too me and how much you make me smile. I just want you to know how lucky I am to have you and how everything you do I support and am proud of :D So maybe it sounds like Im all over the place and I probably am. Im so happy this way even some days it seems like I hate it though. I just tell myself that you cant always solve all your problems at once but you can definitly learn how to make them minimal and it is defintily helping out.

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 15:06:35 GMT

I dont know how I feel right now. Just like a huge let down. To myself, to everyone. My relationship with my mom couldnt be worse and no one understands how much I hate being home. Im trying so hard to get a job so I dont have to be around everyone so much and so I have to be home like never but I cant even do that. Im almost afraid to tell you all that now because I dont think you want to hear it. When Im home now all I do is sit in my room and try and find a job. I absolutly hate that my own mom cant stand me and no one gets it! Im sorry I cant be happy all the time, Im sorry I have no money, Im sorry I hate my home. Its like Im stuck in this huge cycle that just keeps going down. I try to think about all the great things in my life and I can only think of about two. My moms on that list but it wouldnt matter to her. No matter what I do for her or how many times I try and talk to her its never enough. I dont think anyone understands how much that hurts. The thing is too that Im over all the happiest girl you'll meet. I have this amazing man in my life, love the friends I have, am out of highschool. I mean I know it seems like I hate my life, its not like that at all. Its just that there are always little things that stop things from being perfect. Thats exactly why the word perfect is a falacy. Maybe this is a big thing and no matter how hard I try nothing makes it better. The only thing I can do is just ignore it. I try, dont worry. Its just harder than you think.

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 04:55:32 GMT

Eh this is sorta shitty :/
But I cant be selfish.
Yuck. Thats a feeling you
never want to have.

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 00:46:52 GMT

I havnt written in here is a while.
Maybe cause I write everything in that book now ;D

Im not even really sure what I have to say here.
I dont really have much:
- I wish I wasnt getting so sick.
- I wish I could find a job.
- I wish I wasnt bringing you down.

Thats it.

OH AND!
IM HAPPY!

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 03:44:02 GMT

Im so good at ruining everyones Christmas :[
I would like to see my dad.
I wish I didnt feel like this.

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 14:29:48 GMT

I've never really felt more like and idiot. Or an asshole. And for things I cant even control. Thats probably why. Because I cant control them yet. And because I cant control them I'm making myself misirable. I wish I could be alone. I almost envy that you can. When you say that you need your space I mean it when I say Im okay with that but I hate knowing I cant handle that right now. And you said I have to face it sooner or later. I wish you knew how hard I try. I wish I could make you understand. I dont think I could make anyone understand this feeling and I probably wouldnt want to. No one should have to feel this. I wanted these ten days to be wonderful and I went and fucked it up because I cant control myself. Theres still some days left but I almost feel like I cant fix it. I can bearly breathe now and all I want is you to be here. I cried when you left this morning cause you looked so disapointed. I KNOW I KNOW! You dont want to hear it but youre not seeing it from where I am. Heres what I see: Me freaking out and getting all discombobulated, not being able to breathe, and then you getting frustrated because you cant help. YOU DO HELP! Im all over the fucking place with this. I started out knowing what I was gunna say but that didnt work out. Brittany came in and talked to me. She said I shouldnt worry. I dont want to worry. But I feel like Im hurting you and thats the last thing I ever want to do. God I feel like a big baby cause Im hysterical right now. I just want to tell you I love you Awstin Colby. And I know that wont help one bit. But those are some words I mean with everything that I am. I wont say Im sorry because you dont want me to. BUT I do feel terrible. I just hope this doesnt happen even though I can feel myself not breathing already. UGH! The thing is even if I cant breathe I dont even want to let you know. I dont want to ruin this anymore than I already have. Im gunna try so hard to be okay tonight. And if you want I'll be alone for the rest of these ten days. I know you need that space. Just tell me and I'll let you have it no matter how much I hate the lonliness. And I want you to know that I havnt changed. Im still that girl you met in August. I just love being with you. Thats the only reason I stick around you so much. I dont know where Im really going with this. Im just trying to explain myself but I cant. I feel like theres so much more to say that I cant. I need to work on that too. Its just like I always say, theres no such thing as perfect. I have tons of faults. Some you see, some I see, some we both see. Maybe I cant fix them all because then I wouldnt be me but I want to fix this one. Its making me sick.

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 06:24:30 GMT

Im frustraded. Im stressed. All I want is to take a vaction with you. I need to relax.

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 21:46:50 GMT

Okay, first off, youre a completely different person. I mean we were never close. We were friends though. Now, I wouldnt care if we wernt. Stop letting your girlfriend run your fucking life. And stop acting like you have something to prove. Youre pissing everyone off. Be yourself. Again.

Second, all of you. I dont fucking understand how your getting so bad with shit. I miss you all so much and the other day when we all hung out it was sick. Mainly because no one was on shit. Then the other night, ugh, I was almost embarressed! Why is it that you can only have fun when youre too drunk to stand up straight or too high to even move? Maybe I sound like a hypocrite, but hear me out. I did what I did, but never to this extent. I changed because I feel better this way. Maybe you all would too. Maybe Im completely wrong. But all I know is I would like you all back, the way things used to be.

I probably sound like an asshole. Good. Maybe I'll get my fucking point across.

1)We all have busy lives. We're all learning how to juggle. You should too.

2)The idea of living together would be great but not when its like this.

3)I cant believe you lied.

I love you all, trust me.
Especialy YOU!
Dont ever doubt it.

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 00:49:57 GMT

Ugh! This couldn't be more fucking frustrating. People need to communicate. And if someones going to feel a certain way about someone else, let them fucking know.

Fake. There probably isn't a more disapointing word than that in the english language. People arnt going to get along all the time. Understandable. I myself has had tons of problems with friends. Heres the thing, I let them fucking know how I feel. Confrontation isn't as bad as it seems. I don't want to have to let other people know how you really feel cause you're too pussy to do it yourself.

This probably means, which I never doubted, you talk shit about all your friends but never let them know about it. Good fucking job. I hate this shit. Seriously, stop being a pussy.

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 18:50:31 GMT

A few nights ago I layed on the floor and watched those old movies. As I layed there I thought about how much I have gained and lost in those years since. Inocence, family, fear, comfort, love.

I was smaller than your hands than. And as you whisped me through the air I relized I never cried. Maybe I knew who you were. Maybe I knew that your grip would never loosen. It still hasnt. Wheather you are here or not, youre still holding on. Protecting me. Telling me I still make you proud. And it has taken me almost 11 monthes to come to that. I felt terrible at first. How could I be such a mess? Why am I not over this?! Well, I'll never be over it. But I know now that youre here and proud and smiling just the same. I will miss you always but I will feel you as well.

And you. You couldnt have been more estatic to hold me in your arms that day. I was yours. You looked at me as someone you could shape and mold. I let you down for a long time. I took love away from you that I never ment to. Intern you withdrew your love from me. For years all I wanted was you to want me there with you. Want to show me things. Want to be happy for me. Thats why I bit you. And when you left you wrote that letter that ment more to me then anything has yet. I remember reading your words on that screen and knowing I had what I had longed for. My sister. And I want you to know that you have taught me so much. Molded, shaped. You have helped me more than anyone to become the person I am now. I thank you for that. I love you. I wish you were around more.

I dont know why I thought these things when I watched those movies but I just saw so much. I saw my mother and father happy together. My grandma and grandpa alive and well. I saw the love you had for me. I saw me in my purest state. A place that I cant never go back to. I saw life.

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 20:32:13 GMT

Apologies. I know you dont want them but I feel like I need to give them. To you. To myself. To everyone. I dont know whats going on. Or I do but I dont understand my reactions. And I dont understand why me feeling so down is making me worry about other things so much. Okay, when my dad died I was upset but I guess it never really hit me. Well it finally did. It freaked me out. I miss my dad, I did before this, Im always gunna, but this, this was the lowest I think Ive ever felt. I got so mad at myself for being so upset too. Why couldnt I handle it? Why did I need you? Why was I taking up your time? I hated myself for it. I still feel like a complete asshole. But what you did for me, no one else could. And I thank you so much for that. I felt better and then I realized I have a terrible relationship with my mom. Its the worst feeling ever to have your mom feel like a stranger. It hurts. And of course I broke down. I fucking hate it. I just want to get over all that shit. I seriously wish I never let anything bother me. But I cant. I cant let things go. :[

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 18:58:53 GMT

Im coming back :D